Hosting a Kitchen Cafe

and why I think you should introduce your friends to each other

I was influenced by exactly two videos online to make my birthday party (in May) a kitchen cafe. Women from all over Nashville came to my house and ate slices of a homemade lemon loaf, drank the lattes I made them from my hand-me-down espresso machine (thank you and s/o Aly Thayer), and it was bliss. My home was filled with chatter as the girlies I love got to know one another. I commented on thinking I should hold a kitchen cafe more often, and a fleeting thought was met with loud enthusiasm that it would be a great friendship rhythm. So May, June, we skipped July because my grandma passed away the week I was scheduled to host, and in August, I hosted “Coffee Girls.”

We call it Coffee Girls because my friend Kim’s 2-year-old kept saying ‘coffee girls coffee girls’ from his car seat on his way to my townhome. His ‘coffee’ is cold almond milk in a coffee mug. He plays my husband’s guitar, and plunks on our piano, and all is right in the world.

I get asked a lot about hosting Coffee Girls, what’s worked, and why I didn’t do this sooner. Here is my compilation of thoughts around hosting this type of event, and I hope it inspires you to do the same!

Non-negotiables - Coffee, Space, Food

First, I strongly believe in using coffee beans that are roasted locally. (If you are in Nash my timeless and true recs are Crema, The Well, and Humphrey Street)

Learn how to make great espresso, or a high-quality drip or pour-over if you don’t have access to an espresso machine.

I try to have different milk options, primarily almond and oat (barista blend). Being considerate of allergies is a must.

A clean kitchen - everywhere else in the house can be mediocre clean.

Everyone likes their coffee different, so you might not have exactly what everyone likes, but flavoring-wise, I always have honey, vanilla, cinnamon, and brown sugar on hand.

A key to being a good barista is that if a friend is ordering a honey vanilla latte, you know that they want it sweet, so add a little extra. If a pal is ordering a cortado, make sure you pull an excellent shot. You get the gist.

The more you host a gathering like this, the more likely your pals are to offer to bring pastries. Always say yes if they offer.

If you have a speaker that can play music, you should! I haven’t done this yet, but I think it would be precious to invite my ‘regulars’ to collaborate on a Coffee Girls Playlist that is reserved for these monthly gatherings.

Take it too far. Brand your kitchen cafe, make a menu, write out house rules, leave the digital camera out so people take photos, take it all the way too far!

One of the ‘rules’ I put in the text when I invite girls over is that the dress code is as comfortable as possible. This guideline is my favorite part of the invite because it takes the pressure off. Learning that we are sweatpants kind of friends just adds extra delight.

On Friendship

When Coffee Girls was happening for the second time, I started feeling a little nervous because I invited women from different walks of life to all be in the same room. Many of whom had never been to my house before. I was nervous that because I would be making so much coffee, I wouldn’t be a good host to them as they were getting to know one another. I worried that their differences in belief would hinder Coffee Girls from being inviting and cozy.

I was wrong.

It’s good for me to be wrong and to humbly remember to trust my friends. It’s good for me to work on opening up my space before it feels ready. It’s good for me to be the inviter. It’s good for me to be the one to go first. I also know that realistically I am not in a season of friendship where I can be doing walks with pals after work every night, or long coffees on Saturday mornings with individual people as much as I would like. It makes my heart sad, but I know that season will return someday.

I love traditions and marking the passage of time. Truthfully, I can get really sentimental about it. I love being able to count on an upcoming tradition, especially building a life in a new city; traditions help with the loneliness so much. I think Coffee Girls will be that for me. It’s good for me to have traditions in friendship, especially when I have very little family in the city I live in. It’s good for me to lean on them.

I also believe it’s good for them, too. It’s good to allow them to meet each other, to sit across from someone they don’t know, to practice sharing and listening and receiving and perceiving. It’s all good. It’s good not to categorize my friends as work-friends, church-friends, networking-friends, writer-friends. Our brains do that somewhat automatically, but what if the ranking and categorizing didn’t actually matter? I am the person I am today because of the women I have invited to sit at my table, and I hope they all get to meet each other someday.

On Hosting and Pressure

I have mentioned before on Substack that it is difficult for me to host people in my home. I struggle with the expectation that I am supposed to, how clean is enough clean, etc. I struggle inviting people into my space, I think because it feels vulnerable to be known in that way sometimes. I also wonder if all Christian women feel pressure, to some extent, to be good at hosting? I wonder if that is a genuine gift some have to not feel anxious about having people over? I care incredibly too much about what people think, and that is the whole reason why Take The Pressure Off exists in the first place. I am learning that it is ok for me to push the perceived voice of pressure away because no one is actually coming to sit at my kitchen table and drink coffee I make them with the intent to be mean to me. That isn’t real. But sometimes my little anxious nervous system needs that reminder, and that is why Coffee Girls isn’t just an act of friendship and hospitality, but also one that pushes lies and darkness away and lets the light in, month after month. Pressure applied squeezes out the best stuff first. The whimsy, the celebration, the creativity, the goodness, and the beauty. Joy in its purest form seems to be the first to go. But if we take the pressure off, I think all these beautiful things find their way back, sit at our tables, and keep making our lives that much sweeter.

okthatsitloveyabye!⭐☕💭💃🩷